Seriously..I .uh… Googled it.

There is no better place for this confession than here. Like most moms- I experience many moments of pure bliss- and those other moments that are down low- you know, those times when you just aren’t sure what to try next.. how you are going to make it better. And at many of those times, I confess.. Google was there for me.

It started with my desire for pure efficiency. Google was the fastest way to find out . And I have googled a lot. I have googled favorite authors, hard to find items to purchase, news stories, long lost phone numbers, recipes, puppy training questions, herb growing recommendations, art projects, lyrics to the kids favorite songs..

I have also googled abnormal lab values, while I worried and waited impatiently for the doctor’s call. I have googled the prognosis for my daughter’s retinal deterioration, to see the collected Google opinion about how much longer she will be able to see. I have googled myself (okay who hasn’t) but only after my Fathers’ book Crossbearer was reviewed and  New York Times book reviewer Christopher Buckley  referred to me as the “ out of wedlock daughter” , but the all time low was when I googled this.. “ how to make 8 year old girl happy” .

Seriously. (seriously as in, that one word made famous by Gray’s Anatomy that conveys disbelief, amazement, defeat, acceptance, condolence) I actually googled “ How+to+make+an+8+year+old+girl+happy.” Seriously.

I missed her smile, her charm, her affection , the way she shimmited across her bedroom floor as she sang her favorite songs- the way she used to start her day by sleepily climbing into my lap in the early morning, her body still warm from deep sleep, her eyes only half open as she wrapped her arms around me and settled into me. I missed her and I was trying everything. I went back to basics, more love, more sunshine, more backyard time- and when nothing was working I actually asked Google what I might be missing. Today she is getting better. New medicines, some new doctors- eventually we got to the bottom of it. But along the way, there were times when she looked terrible and I felt worse.

Here is what Google won't even try to tell you. How you should answer a curious child who approaches Zoe and I , loudly questioning- “ Why can’t she walk?”  What to say as the child stops and stares at my intelligent, sweet little girl, whose face falls as she realizes that the child isn’t just saying hello but  instead staring curiously at her walker or wheelchair . What I am supposed to say as the child looks at me m staring past Zoe  as if she isn’t even there. And  I feel for the parent standing there awkwardly , mouth hanging open- but I feel for Zoe more. And I don’t want Zoe to feel any more different than she already does, I don’t want to call attention to what she cannot do- I don't want to talk about what challenges her. And so for this question, there is no perfect answer. Even at Google.

  

Comments

[chrissy]

made me cry this is one of the hardest things for me when kids and adults asume becouse there diferent they dont understand what youre talking about my son tyler is 9 and is very behind for his age to say the least he also has some odd behaviors somtimes and the worst is when he meets a new kid and they start talkinng to him not realizing he is special and when tyler tryies to answer them back with his limited speech that is hard to understand even for me they start backing away without saying anything with a puzzled look on there face and tyler is saying buddi buddi which is one word hes prety good at they just keep walking away from him and he looks so disapointed and upset it tears my heart in two everytime he just wants freinds and with the misunderstanding of same and diferent in this world freinds for him are hard to come by im a googler too but it helped me find the disorder that he has when his doctors told me genetics just hasent come far enough to diognose him come back in a year i bet doctors hate googling moms lol

[heather]

Always a good story here- heather m

[Kay]

this made me laugh, bittersweet. Thought I was the only google like this.

Kay

[Amywhowrites]

Am liking your blog. Miss reading you and hearing you read at workshop. Hope you come back again or get published soon.

Take Care-amy

[Sarah from Postcards from Holland]

OMG! LOVE THIS