To The Author of The Anonymous Note Left On My Car Window

I think I recognize you!  I do.. I used to live in your world of Black & White, everything in order- in it’s place- I  got a plan- got a schedule- a list of finished projects- checked -off checklist and all. How wonderful for you that your life is so structured , so dependable and predictable that you cling to that line dividing right and wrong, black and white, and that you feel compelled to comment when you think someone is coloring outside the lines. 

 This time though, in your hurry to keep things neat and orderly.. you didn’t see the whole picture. I guess you didn’t see the accessible permit hanging from my car mirror, giving me permission to park close to the entrance. You didn’t see the wheelchair lift permanently installed into the back of my SUV, and you didn’t see me unload my nine year old daughter’s pink manual wheelchair that we use for “ quick “ trips. Maybe from your view you only saw my 11 -year old daughter and I, and not Zoe’s pink wheelchair.

  But forget all that, it could have only been my older daughter with me that day, parked in that same spot,and depending on her health at that moment- in your eyes, we would have appeared to be at fault- even though her doctor almost nags me, reminding me to use the medically authorized permit to conserve her energy when needed. Even though she has the same progressive metabolic disorder as her younger sister. She doesn’t have a wheelchair, but she has the same rights- all invisible to you from the perspective of your world.

 I recognize where you are from. I used to live there too. I used to have checked off lists, awards of accomplishments, perfect hair, great skin, sparkly eyes, a quick wit,  a clean car, a social life, a large social network, an organized calendar , vacation plans set in stone, and a no overdue library books . But then I became a Mom. A mom of a special needs child. A child with no lifelong guarantee, no definitive prognosis and no detailed treatment plans. We have good doctors, we have a good attitude and we have a good family life. 

 My life is good, but not so easily structured. My skin not so healthy, my hair often flyaway, my eyes most often tired. I am up multiple times throughout the night, I rise at 5 and go full speed until 9 at night, still stymied and determined to do more each and every day.  I miss the friendships I used to have, the  once- so- easy to -achieve professional accomplishments- but I don’t miss that world you live in. 

 I am a kinder woman who lives in a world that is no longer black and white. Sometimes gray is good, a salvation, a retreat from something that could be much worse. My priorities were reshuffled for me, and now I would never think to judge another.

 I am always in motion and I am grateful . Grateful for the touch of my child who needs my hands to steady her,  grateful for my child who craves my words to calm her, my child who needs my hugs to soothe her. I am even grateful, that I no longer live ...in that black and white world. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Celia Cawthon]

VERY, Very well-written! I was originally brought to your blog because we have the same blog designer, and I'm so glad I stayed to read a little.

[missouri mesothelioma lawyers]

Don't let this person get under your skin!

[jack pace]

youre still the sweet gentle kind jessica youve all ways bean since you were a little girl, were proud of you love ya, jack & ruby.

[Jessica Gambino]

I love this! This is great! I do not have a special needs child but I do have a child with a cleft lip and he just had surgery to repair it. But I respect this entry you wrote. I know my life is no where it used to be with two young boys that are healthy so I can imagine you truly have a accurate perspective on what is important in life. God bless you and your dear family!

[Bri]

Thank you! Because of this I am printing off the application for my 2 year old. She is probable mito. we thought she has leigh syndrome but she still has a normal MRI, she fatigues easily is globally delayed in all areas and being watched for an intellectual disability. She is also getting her new walker/gait trainer tomorrow so parking lots will get a LOT more dangerous as she will be mobile! I also have been "diagnosed" with fibromylagia so carrying her tires me out and even getting into the store can completely wipe her out. Because of this and the comments I decided that the mito aside (since we currently have no DX) the danger of her in a parking lot is enough to get one. Plus it's not just for her safety but all the cars around as she liked to run her loaner walker into the parked cars!!

[mom taxi julie]

People are so quick to judge. Sadly I have looked at people in the past and thought those bad thoughts. But as I've aged I've learned that you can't tell a book by it's over so to speak.

[Sara Fried]

Sending hugs and strength from a fellow mommy!

[Stacy Levitsky]

I am also disabled and have gotten a few of these notes left on my windshield. Some days I feel ok to walk into a store, some days I need my wheel chair. It's terrible how people judge. :/

[Kimberlie]

It blows my mind everyday to watch people judge anyone. That have no clue what we go through on a daily basis. I personally have the worst time with the elderly that should know better but they don't! So it has gotten to the point where I will sit in a handicapped spot even longer so they can get a good look and us and I wait for the comments to come.

I can honestly say I have never had someone leave me a note on paper but I have had them write on the tailgate of my truck,scratch it and put dings in it. So because of that I had a sticker made that says " HOW DO YOU LIKE ME KNOW!"

I have to say I am one of the lucky one. I had a 2004 F-150 extended cab 4x4 with an 8 foot bed given to us. So because the truck is either to wide for old parking spaces or to long and sticks out they write on it.

[Esther]

Wow! Sigh. I am sorry to see this. (Hugs). But you're a strong one! They know not what they do.

[Becky]

Wow. Really, wow. I cannot believe someone did that to you. Apparently that woman does not have a very large social circle. One that includes people with visible (or otherwise) special needs. Shame on her. Really, truly shame on her.

Thank you for your beautiful words and wonderful attitude. You are the kind of person we should all strive to be like.

[Gina Muollo]

As a mom of 2 autistic kids who look "perfectly normal" in appearance, I SO know how you feel! I try not to park in handicapped spots because I like to leave them for more medically or physically impaired people but, if I can't get another spot close enough to the store when my son is in a "much more likely to get hit by a car" mode, I WILL use a handicap spot. Do I feel like I'm being judged when I need to that? Absolutely... Would I rather be judged than have a dead kid? No question...

[Nisha360.wordpress.com]

I can relate to what you're saying about living in this sort of black and white world I have Cerebral Palsy and I feel like people judge me for not being able-bodied and doing things that able-bodied people do but what they don't understand is that just doing the simple things in life like dressing myself is hard for me.

[AspieSide]

Wonderfully written post! My son has Asperger's and people just don't get the "invisible" disabilities. How awful of that person to judge you like that.

[Luna]

I do have to chuckle at all the people saying not to judge, and then judging this woman harshly. :) Maybe she has handicapped kids and was frustrated at the apparent health of the person in the car. Sure, still uncalled for, but a lot more understandable, no?

I've asked. Not if there's a placard, but I've asked otherwise. "You know this is a handicapped spot, right?" If they say "Yes" and keep going, I say, "Okay. Have a good day!" Usually the response is, "OH! Yeah, I forgot to hang my placard. Thanks!" or "SHIT!" (and they move the car). Only once someone said, "So?! I'm just going in for a minute!"

I really don't see the problem with that. The note on your car? Totally uncalled for. If there's a placard, you STFU. Period.

Kudos to you for writing this so eloquently. Me? I'd have pitched an unholy fit. :D

[Meagan Paullin]

How sad that this person writing the note, in their rush to "defend" the parking rights of the disabled, completely stepped on the feelings of a family that she wants to a defender for....

I can understand that feeling, that wanting to jump in when you see unfairness - she thought that someone was abusing a disabled parking permit, and wanted to do something about it. I get that.

BUT -- you never know another person's story. In a situation where you have no possible way of knowing for sure of someone's situation, it's much better to just let it go, and know that perhaps someone DID get away with parking there when they didn't need to, then risk leaving that note and being WRONG, and causing that pain to someone.

I hear so very often about the frustration of "invisible" disabilities. I wish more people were aware of this, and had more compassion.

Beautifully written article. Thank you for sharing :)

[Beth]

Very well written. It's amazing to me these days how rude some people can be, I mean honestly think whatever you want but to actual leave a note like that on someone's car- you don't know the situation at all so who are we to judge? You have amazing strength!

[april]

My best friend was injured in a car accident when she was nineteen. She's beautiful. She has amazing blonde hair, green eyes, a model's smile. But she did not heal right after the accident, and often had to revert to a cane because her pelvis healed so poorly. Sure she can walk, but sometimes almost ten years after the accident she has serious problems and pain. But I remember just a few years after the accident how awful people were to her. When she would park in the handicap spot (with decal mind you) and then two young ladies would get out, the comments were often nasty and uncalled for. She was called lazy, ignorant, selfish...you name it. But I remember one incident that has STUCK with me to this day. We actually were in Disney World, the Happiest Place on earth. We were 21 at the time, a group of eight of us. My friend can't stand in long lines without serious pain so her doctor encourages her to use a wheelchair for long walks or long waits. In Disney World, this allows her to go to the front of the line. And I remember one time while we are pushing her up the ramp parking her at the very front while we wait a few steps back when a woman says to her daughter, unbeknownst to her that I am WITH my friend, that "there's no way that damn girl is handicapped." Boy, I let her have it!!!! This is a Mother, TEACHING HER CHILD this judgmentality. I told her "Lady, that girl there was in a car accident and was in the hospital for weeks afterwards. Two of the other people in that car did not survive. She's lucky to be alive. Just because her scars aren't all over her face doesn't mean its not there!"

I now have a son with autism. You have to look close to see his traits. We are lucky. He has done well thus far with his interventions, but when he is upset, overwhelmed, sick or anxious, my little boy reminds us of how he is affected. Recently, I've started blogging about my son's condition and how it affects both him and us. And you know what? I ran into an acquaintaince the other day and she said to me "that boy looks perfectly normal to me. I don't know what you're talking about." And then I thought of my friend.

Someday, my little buddy may be that person, too. I don't hold my tongue about these things. I feel its my place in the world to help others learn that we are not on this earth to judge but to be kind.

Kudos to you for doing the same.

[Pam]

From another mom, THANK YOU for so beautifully writing what so many of us think and feel. Blessings to you and and your family.

[Claire]

My husband is an amputee (left leg). We went to the store once and a woman called the cops and said that we had parked in a Handicap spot illegally. We heard our names called over the loud speaker to come to the front of the store. The police wanted to ticket us. (We had forgotten to put the Handicap tag on the mirror). My husband had to lift his pants leg in front of a crowd of people, and the woman who called the cops, and take off his prosthetic leg to show them that YES he is disabled. It was very embarrassing.
Sometimes disabilities are invisible to the naked eye. I am disabled and it is not a disability that anyone can see with their eyes. My youngest daughter has dwarfism. We do not always park in Handicap parking, only when we need too.
No one has the right to tell you that "you don't look disabled, shame on you".
Karma will come back to that woman and bite her in the butt.

[Jessica Fend]

Good for you! This is so true! My son Cody is blind and autistic, and we part handicap with our handicap pass- and I often get looks. Just let someone say something to me. Just one word. Same thing with eatting out. We were at Red Lobster the other night and Cody was having a melt down. I was going to walk out with him until I saw another couple giving us the eye. So THEN we were staying! AND Mommy talked Cody down out of his fit loud enough for the couple to hear me. I have learned to assume the role of "warrior mom" and proud to call myself one. :)

[kristina starnes]

Wow! What an amazing post, you could not have said it any better. One of my favorite quotes comes to mind...

“Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.”

[Bonnie Magers]

I read through all the posts and have my own reasons for sympathizing with you all. My bigger question is...what gives anyone the right to be the parking space police? Even if someone was not entitled to use the spot, karma will get them in the end. Why are people so rude and angry at total strangers? To the person who doesn't use the handicapped spot because of rude comments, use it...it's their problem not yours. Give them your best smile and just move on.

[Amanda]

my son has mitochondrial disease complex I, you took the words right out of my mouth, we encounter these looks and comments often, I usuallly respond with, " Would you like to switch places?" Would you rather it be your child? Thank you for so eloquently saying what needed to be said...Amanda

[Tracey Cole]

I walk this walk with you. Keep up the good fight.
Thank you for giving us a voice!

[Shannon]

beautifully written! it's a shame how people can be so judgmental and rude. hopefully she reads this and realizes the error of her ways...

[Cheairs Redefining Typical]

I read the note at the top of your post and my heart sank. What you wrote is honest but also so hopeful. Hopeful for those of us who may find a note like that on our card and hopeful for the person who might have written that note. Your message bring awareness,and with awareness comes change. I thank you

[Heather]

High five to you. it is so hard to be a mom to children with disability's. most people just don't understand

[Roberta]

The note writer has probably seen too many people who were not disabled in any way using a handicap space.
I have seen it myself. Two teenage girls bullied their way into a spot that a disabled van with a tag was waiting to get into. The girls laughed all the way into the store after calling the van driver a loser. They weren't laughing when they came out. Their car was blocked in by me until the police showed up.

[Ellen]

So strongly (and compellingly) said! BRAVO. I once wrote about being ticked when people without disabilities use spots for the disabled, but was then reminded about all the "invisible" disabilities by a reader, and have never forgotten it. Thank you for this very memorable reminder.

[Tab]

My daughter has an intellectual disabiliy, she does not understand the dangers and I have a disability permit, and use it. Do I not have a right to use this because her disability can not be seen!!!!!!

[Katie]

Beautiful. Well said. Thank you.

[Jennifer M.]

Well written and so true! My favorite "encounter" was with a slightly older man (60s??) driving a corvette.... with a handicap sticker. I was parking next to him and he rolled his eyes at us. I so wanted to tell him that he is lucky... my daughter won't live to be his age and will never drive. He certainly showed no sign of a handicap while we had a wheelchair and had a service dog with us. If only we could hold up a sign that say "I won't judge you, if you don't judge me." (wink!)

[Joeymom]

I have a tag for my autistic kid- people don't realize that those tags are not just for physical mobility issues. When he bolts, I have got to get to that car fast, for his safety and everyone else's. I get notes like that ALL THE TIME. One day. I'm going to catch someone leaving one, and let them have an earful!

[Karen]

Thank you for writing this. I have a sometimes visible 'disability', sometimes invisible 'disability' and a person's black & white judgement never makes anything easier. Good for you for putting this out there, on here!

[sophistimom]

Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful.

And that woman who left the note makes me mad. Perhaps you edited out a lot of the things you wanted to say to her that came to your mind first. But just know, that your positive words have also spoken volumes against someone so insensitive.

I send my prayers your way. To you, and to your little girls.

[Darlene]

Thank You!!! You have no idea how this makes me feel. I am disabled, I have Emphasima, you cant see it or smell it & you probably wont even notice it unless Im hanging off a car in the parking lot while Im trying to walk into the Drug Store to pick up my perscription. I cant take more than 20 steps without being out of breath, I dont park in the Handicapped parking cause I get such looks when I step out of my car & I dont have the breath to explain myself. SO I suffer by sometimes driving around until I can get a spot as close as I can. and sometimes I walk with taking a reast every 20 feet. I think now I just might use the handicapped spot more often now if its empty because of this. God bless the ones who understand not all dieases are visiable, yet can be very hard to deal with regardless.

[Mike Roach]

Thank you for writing this. I have to say, I would have been the one who put that note on your car. I have been blessed with good health. Never had to have crutches even. Never had kids with disabilities so I don't have a clue what all of you have been through. Today though I'm different. My mother is 81. She has degenerative disc disease in her spine and has arthritis (can't spell) all through her body. Most of the time she walks with a cane and when she's in the grocery store she uses the cart to lean on. You don't always notice the cane though. A lot of time it's used to help her keep her balance. I've gotten a few stares from people when I drop her off at the door of the store and then go park and use the hanging plackard and get out myself to go help her. I've never had to explain that I let mom out at the door so she wouldn't have to walk so far. Most of the time we park in regular parking so as to leave the handicap for people who are in worse shape. She feels better some days than others and doesn't like to get special treatment (unless she really needs it). All of you with special needs people in your life, God Bless and keep up the good fight.

[Rhonda]

Thanks for the reminder that things aren't always as they appear. I'm a physical therapist and have worked with kids with MS and other chronic illnesses for years and I know that you can't always see someone's disability right away. But, I too would find myself upset if I saw someone using a handicap spot and they didn't look that way. Always think before judging. Better yet, don't judge. Thanks.

[Nicole]

I'm glad you wrote this. My uncle has MS and has been in a wheelchair for most of my life. I get very offended when I see people use handicapped spots who don't need them. I could easily picture myself being the person who left this note on your car, angry that someone who appeared healthy would be taking the spots for those who needed them. You remind me to think twice before I judge.

[trish weekly]

A friend of mine is fighting for her life with devastating mesothelioma. Once parked in the handicapped spot, an onlooker must have been offended at how good she looked and decided to put fresh, steaming human feces next to her door. The lows that people will go in judging others makes me sick.

I'm so sorry and your courage and grace is something to be admired.

[Tiff]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, and the lesson you've learned through special needs. I have to admit I often wonder what the story is behind someone who looks well to my untrained eye, but is parking legally in the handicap spots. I have to consciously remind myself that my eye really IS untrained, and I cannot know for sure whether they are abusing a privilege, or rightfully using a needed help.

Thank you for a fresh reminder to keep myself in the non-judgment camp.

[Hope]

I needed this today. I needed to know that I am not alone and that I am not the only one tired. I am not the only one who left items out of a recipe because I was too tired to load up the wheelchair, hope for a spot that is big enough to unload and lift my 70 lb child into to get three items.
Thank you for educating those who are not on this journey.

[Sally Stevens]

My friend of a special needs child posted your note on FB. I myself have a very visible disability, and even I have noticed myself getting irritated when I see someone WALK into a store after parking in a handicap spot -- well SHAME ON ME. How dare I think I know what anyone else is truly dealing with! Thank you for writing this!! I hope that it felt very therapeutic for you to do, even if Mr. or Ms. Anonymous will probably never read it. XXOO

[Tracy]

Amazing. Thank you!

[Kristin Rose]

This is incredibly beautiful, and so well said. The world is so far from black and white, especially for us, parents of beautiful children with special needs. I think you should submit that (with the photo of the note) to the newspaper for a "letter to the editor." Maybe that person will even see it. Even if they don't, imagine how many others you might get through to. HUGS

[Lynn Parman]

Thank you for your wonderful post. So well said. I park in handicap spots with my handicap permit, but my disabilities are not easy to see. I use a cane and sometimes a power scooter....but even most of my dear friends don't realize the extent of my difficulties. So many people say "you look so good, you must be feeling really good." So many people have disabilities that are not readily visible. Before the cane and scooter, I had a permit because of severe lung damage that made it difficult to walk a long distance. My father-in-law is the picture of health - lean, tanned and very healthy looking but he uses handicap parking (with a permit) because he has less than 20% of a working heart and has been that way for a large part of his adult life.

[Debra Weiss]

This was a beautiful post and so well written. I can tell from your words alone you are a great mom.

I am 21 and live with multiple rare medical conditions and I see how hard my mom fights for me. And I'm so thankful that moms like mine and like you exist.

[Dianna Blake]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Thank you for sharing it though. I can't imagine that this person has much in common with your situation, because naturally she would have looked for the clues (or just minded her own business). It is proof that much of our society is highly uneducated when it comes to special needs. People make assumptions constantly on what the ideal picture of a child or adult with special needs looks like and those assumptions are 1)inaccurate 2) intolerant and 3)ignorant. I am so inspired by your honesty and willingness to share your story. I wish nothing but the best for your family. You are an inspiration to me!

[Susan Budd]

Love it! Yes, I recognize that place too. I could've authored one of those notes in my past life. And while I miss those friends, I don't miss that place either. :-) http://www.buddzoo.com

[Beth]

Fabulously written. i couldnt not have said it better myself. My 2 year old who was diagnosed at 7 1/2 months with a brain tumor recently became paralyzed by said brain tumor speading to his spine. If there shall ever be a day that this happens to me, I will feel bad for the wrath I unleash....He is not in a wheelchair yet as our stroller still suffices but heaven forbid somone want to say something.

[Jaclyn]

Very good. I have had an encounter at a store where this lady in one of the store power chairs. Asked my if we parked in a handicap spot. I looked at her and said yeah, she is like well what's wrong with you. At this point my husband and son was coming up behind me. My son was getting pushed in his chair. I said we have it for my son. I was very ticked off. My son was born with a disability and of course she could of been to. But she had to right to ask me why we parked there. I asked her why she said something and she is like so many people get the slips from their grandparents and use them. I said well that is not us and my son can't walk. I would of loved to say a few more things but the kids were with me. Also had another time that I got yelled at for sitting at a handicap table at McDonalds with my son once again in his chair. I was like serisouly and the guy is like that table dont mean anything to you. I was kind of confused at the time and he pointed to the symbol on the table and he is like well does it. So I just pointed to my son and he is like oh. I am happy sometimees that people don't notice him cause of his chair cause he gets plenty of stares for that. But I feel somepeople need to mind their own dang business.

[MeMe]

So well said. I was fortunate to have very healthy children and until I had a grandaughter with severe even though not readily visible problems did I fully understand that sometimes your eyes cannot see the problem that is when we have to look with our heart and all disabilites are not readily visible to the eye but are never the less just as real and just as bad.

[Tim "Lupoid" Wright]

Must... breathe... deeply... not... get... angry...

[Lance Abney]

Some of this does come from the type of driver that thinks they do have the right to park in that so often unused parking spot. If these people would not park there under the influence of their arrogance, and the handicapped parking spot was never abused, we wouldn't have this kind of thinking; but alas we do!

As a single father of three Autism Spectrum boys, i can relate to this somewhat. I feel that I have aged thirty years in the years I have had my boy on my own. It was difficult enough before, but alone facing three, has been a task of love. I do think when we face these forms of hardship we do become the greater soul of a human being.

[Brenda]

Of all the things, I miss an active social life the most. Thank you for reminding me that this is part of the territory.

[Convertible Girl]

What beautiful perspective. Thanks for writing.

[Dawn]

I'm wondering what the chances are that this woman is exactly like you. Endures the same kinds of struggles you have, and in a weak moment of being pissed off because she couldn't get the parking space she needed for her own child/children, unleashed her mother bear on you.

[Susan McCorkindale]

What a beautiful post. But I still want to smack the person who left you that note.

[Navasha]

Anything invisible hurts because of people who can't see the grey.

[CaffeinatedAutismMom]

Wonderful post! I was just having this very conversation with my friend the other day. She's had 4 back surgeries and lives in constant pain. She gets frequent disparaging remarks about parking in a handicapped spot because people can't visually see her scars and disability. Since I'm a mom of 2 boys diagnosed on the autism spectrum, like you, I no longer live in a black and white world. It's funny how a world of gray actually provides more clarity.

-Angela (aka Caffeinated Autism Mom)
http://caffeinatedautismmom.blogspot.com

[Terratalking]

Love this! So adequately captures how some of us feel - wishing we could go back to those perfectly ordered days we "used to" have before our special kiddos came along. We have never had a note left, but have gotten a few "stares down the noses" of people who obviously didnt take the time to see us struggling to get the baby out of her carseat with all of her attachments still attached to her, even if it was just to put her into a "stroller". I have wanted to scream at more than a few strangers - "i'll gladly trade you this parking spot for your 40-whatever years of life, or your two working legs, heck i'd even take a semi-functioning gut in exchange!"
Anyways - loved how you worded it. Thanks for sharing! Another "mito mom" who totally understands your frustrations/feelings.
terra
www.terratalking.com

[Debbie]

I have an understanding of where you're coming from. We adopted a son with fetal alcohol syndrome. He looks so "normal", that when he struggles to remember, or to learn certain concepts, or when he doesn't obey right away (takes him a little longer to process things)- some people make rude comments. It has made me more conscious of the struggles of other special needs parents. It's easier to offer compassion when you live a little of what someone else is going through.

[Mary Clare]

SO well written. I wish I could express myself as well as you did in this letter. You are my hero!

[Heather Laurie]

Hi Suzanne, From one mito mom to another I UNDERSTAND! We have been honked at, yelled at, questioned by mall security. That is until I and 2 of my kids get out our wheelchairs. Or they see that 3 of my kids have braces on their legs. It's so easy to judge a happy looking family in a vehicle. Because of this I try extra hard to give a heaping helping of compassion to others!
God bless
Heather Laurie
www.specialneedshomeschooling.com
www.mitofamilies.blogspot.com

[Jansell Nunez]

wow Thank you i found someone that feel the same way i do. thank you again.

[Jennifer Cox]

YEAH Suzanne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REALLY REALLY well said - thank you, as a mom of unique kids myself. I wish the entire world could be handed this response.

As always, your strength continues to astound...
Huge Hugs,

[Deb Salter]

More people should post to those with closed minds! Congratulations for having the courage, wisdom, strength, and know how to share this post with us all.

[Cheryl Fisher]

WONDERFUL! So sorry we occassionaly still must endure some peoples' oversights into our world, though. I think you have a healthy perspective, Suzanne, and you're willing to give them a little more "nice" than they gave you.